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Pasterka

12/25/2024

“I don’t understand.” Elka whispered to Grace. “How do you get a square bruise on your head?”

She pulled out her phone and held it up to her forehead.

“Oh.” She nodded. Her brow furrowed and she began to ask another question, but stopped.

“Yeah, I don’t know. The important thing is Joe’s okay, and he’s responding well to treatment.”

“Thank God for that.” She crossed herself.

“Shame we lost. That was a really impressive show.”

“Hmm, pride goeth before a fall. Your father isn’t taking it well, playing second fiddle to a donkey.” She smirked and held back a laugh.

“It was a lot of work.” Grace shrugged. “I suppose you can rent a donkey if you see the need. Getting an actual unwed mother to play Mary for the Nativity scene, that’s unbeatable.”

“How is Sarah?”

Grace looked over to where she was sitting. “She tried a little of everything, but I’m not sure it’s all sitting well.”

“I told her she didn’t have to, but she wanted the whole Wigilia experience. I just hope she doesn’t throw up until, oh, you’d better go show her where the bathroom is.”

Grace got up and pushed past her siblings, pulling Sarah along with her. “This way. Hold it together.”

Out in the hallway, Sarah paused. “What’s the matter?”

“I’m trying to get you to the Ladies’ Room before you lose it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Honey, you’re greener than the Advent wreath. Let’s get you somewhere safe before you explode.” Grace directed her to the bathroom.

Sarah tried to protest, but she realized the best course of action was to dash into a stall.

“Look, I know you’re trying to fit in but you don’t have to kill yourself.” Grace gritted her teeth. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.”

There were awful sounds coming from the stall.

“I mean, don’t overdo it. Okay?”

Sarah moaned in a vaguely positive way.

“Nobody is going to look down on you for not trying one of the dishes or polka dancing with Dad. You know?”

A piteous cry escaped the stall.

“I’m sorry I don’t have any crackers for you.”

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say, given the ghastly sound that followed.

“Okay, I’ll stop talking about food.”

“Don’t even say it. New topic.”

Grace paced around the bathroom, trying to think of something to say. “Ah, how are you enjoying the service so far? Apart from this…”

“Nice hymns.” She heaved again. “Hope this stops before it’s over.”

“Take your time. There will be other Christmas services.”

“I think I have internal bleeding.”

“Probably just the beet soup, but we can take you to the hospital if you want.”

She moaned. “I’m never leaving this stall.”

“Shh, take your time.”

“I don’t even like fish. My word, all the fish.”

“You didn’t have to. Honestly. Nobody would have thought less of you.”

“Just wanted to fit in.”

“That’s sweet, honey. You need to look out for yourself, I think.”

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you eat all that stuff? Really?”

“Wanted Mom and Dad to be proud of me.”

“Sarah, they already are. It’s not something you can earn.”

Sarah emerged from the stall, looking uneasy on her feet. “It’s something I can lose.”

“You don’t have to torture yourself to prove your worth. We’re not going to change our minds. Oh, honey, let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Wish Leo was here.”

“In the Girls’ Room?”

Sarah laughed as Grace guided her to the sink. “No, I guess not.”

“What do you want from him?”

“I want him to be with me. Just being there, being Leo.”

“You can function on your own.”

Sarah washed her mouth out and leaned on the sink. “I know. I’ve been doing it since I was sixteen.”

“What I’m saying is, Leo’s just a guy.”

“He’s just a guy to you because he’s not your missing piece.” She ran water and splashed it over her face. “Dr. Hu thought it sounded like infatuation, but it’s not. I’ve had crushes before. There were guys I imagined being with.”

“But, Leo is–”

“He sure is.” She grabbed some towels from the dispenser. “It’s hard to explain.”

“That’s why you should take your time.”

“I’ll take all the time that’s needed because it’s already done. I just want him near.”

“I’m sorry, but that sounds really codependent to me.”

“When you meet the one, you’ll understand. You’ve got school to distract you.”

“School isn’t a distraction. It’s what I want to be.”

“And I want to be with Leo. Why is yours valid and mine isn’t? Should I question your decision to study psychology? Will a wall full of diplomas hold you when you’re crying? Will your patients visit you in the nursing home? Why does everyone treat me like I’m a brainless child? I have feelings, you know!”

“Of course you do. I’m sorry. It’s just–”

“It’s just poor little Sarah. She doesn’t know what she wants. She doesn’t know what she needs. She just lives all alone, missing her parents. Don’t jostle her. She might break.”

“Okay, okay, sorry. Dial it back. I’m just trying to help.”

“Try harder, because it’s not working.” Sarah burst out of the bathroom.

Grace stared at the door. ‘Well, now what? Do I chase her down? Do I let her go make a scene in the middle of Midnight Mass? Oh, nuts.’ She emerged from the bathroom to find Leo holding her hands.

“Are you okay?”

“I ate too much.”

“And here I thought you were perfect.”

“Well, it’s after midnight.”

“So, your carriage has turned back into a pumpkin?”

“Something like that. How did you know?”

“That you needed me?”

“Yeah.”

“I saw Grace racing you out the side door. I figured something was wrong.”

“And you came to check on me?”

“Of course.” He lifted her hands to his lips. “You matter to me.”

She jumped into his arms.

Grace coughed. Sarah waved her off.

“Can we go?”

“You don’t want to miss the good part, do you?”

“Will I be with you?”

“Definitely.”

“Then I’m not missing anything.”

He caressed her cheek. “Come back in. You don’t want to miss this.”

She nodded and followed him back in. They found a spot in the back.

“Shouldn’t we sit with–”

He squeezed her hand and looked at the door to the narthex.

The children’s choir paraded past with shepherd’s crooks in hand. One of the older girls held a sculpted baby in her arms. The organ played the prelude to Bóg Się Rodzi and everyone joined in as the choir processed to the creche and placed the baby in the manger.

Father Tom blessed the Nativity scene as the congregation sang Joy to the World.

Leo squeezed her hand and smiled. Her stomach settled and she felt content.

“Where’s Sarah? Is she alright?” Mom asked.

Grace looked over her shoulder. “She’s sitting back there with Leo.”

“Why didn’t she come back?”

“Mom, she’s with Leo. They’re having a moment or something. I don’t know.”

“What happened?”

“What do you think happened? She got sick. She yelled at me and Leo was there, so she went off with him.”

“Yelled at you? What for?”

“Not now, Mom.” She tipped her chin toward the altar.

“Where’s Leonard?” Mom asked.

Chris shrugged. “Went to check on Sarah.”

“What’s the matter with Sarah?”

“I don’t know. Grace dragged her out the side door, so Leo went to see.”

Mary frowned as she scanned the congregation for an unmistakable head of red curls. “Text him.”

Chris shook his head and pulled out his phone.

Where are you?

He waited a moment for the reply.

In the back with Sarah
She needed some space

He showed it to his mom and slid the phone back into his pocket.

“Space? What kind of space do you need at Midnight Mass?”

Chris shrugged and pulled out a missalette to check for the responsorial psalm.

“Why was she sick? She said she had him up to her apartment. You don’t think…”

“No, Mom. I don’t.” He pointed to the altar. “Church?”

‘I’ve been too permissive. I thought Leonard knew better. We’re going to have to get Father to speed up the process or she’ll be showing at the wedding. How could this happen?’

Murray took her hand and smiled at her.

‘Fat lot of help you are. It’s a wonder we have a family at all. Joseph is lying in that squalid hospital. Christopher is chasing that Gajewski girl. Leonard is going to drag us down in scandal.’

Chris sat there watching his mother fume. He turned to find John and Joan hemming the kids in between them, oblivious to their mother’s distress. ‘Wish Joe was here.’

Mary always enjoyed the quiet dignity of a Christmas Midnight Mass, but all this was simply too distressing. ‘Oh, get on with it. I want to go home and go to bed. There’s no peace to be found here tonight.’

Murray noticed the set of her jaw and the tears brimming. “What’s the matter?”

“I could just kill him. How could he do this to us?”

“Mary, it’s not Joe’s fault he took ill. Even when you’re diligent with your PPE, environmental toxins can–”

“For Heaven’s sake, Murray. Not Joseph, poor boy. Leonard.”

“What’s the matter with Leo? Where did he go?”

“Hiding in shame at the back of the church with Sarah.”

“What?” He leaned in. “What shame? Why would he be hiding?”

“She got sick, Murray. Grace ran her out the side door so they could get to the girls’ room.”

“So?”

“What do you mean, ‘so’?”

“I mean, ‘So?’. People get sick. If she was over with Staś and Elka, it was probably all of that Wigilia fare. I get queasy just thinking about it.”

“What?”

“The symbolism is lovely. They have twelve dishes to break their fast before church here. Let’s just say, if it’s something you’re used to, fine. For a girl like Sarah, it would be an incredible shock to the system. Beets, mushrooms, dumplings and more fish than you can shake a gaff at.”

“It was the food?”

“You know Sarah. She probably took a bunch of everything to be polite. Poor kid.”

“Do you think so?”

“Almost certainly. If you’re unaccustomed to it, you’d need the guts of a goat not to get ill.”

‘Oh, my. Poor Sarah. It’s not bad enough she gave herself food poisoning without me thinking the worst of her. What does that say about me? How wicked am I to leap to a conclusion like that? I’m going to have to beg her forgiveness for this and go to Confession besides.’

“Honey, what’s bothering you?”

“I’ll tell you when we get home. I’ve wronged her terribly.”

“Well, you caught it before the Penitential Act. Confess it here and now. You can square it with Sarah when she comes over for the gift exchange.”

“You’re wonderful, Murray.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.” He kissed her cheek and returned focus to the service.

The dark streets of Pine Hollow saw the congregation of St. Casimir’s wending their way home.

“Mary, you’re still brooding. What’s the matter?”

“What sort of person am I to jump to conclusions like that? I thought I was better than that.”

“Better than what? What did you do?”

“I saw her dash out the side door to be ill. She’s hiding in the back with Leonard, so I thought.”

“You thought it was morning sickness?” Murray laughed.

“She did have him up to her apartment that once.”

“Well, it only takes once. We won’t be having any more of that.”

“I’m encouraged to hear you say that, but still. Your idea is more plausible than mine.”

“Of course, Leo has you to thank for his character and decency. He’s not going to take liberties before they’re married. I’m a bit irked by Staś for suggesting otherwise.”

“Yes, dear. It is rather forward of him. Leonard and all our boys were brought up right. That is quite out of line.”

“I don’t understand what’s gotten into him lately, but I’m getting a bit fed up with his attitude.”

Bóg się rodzi (God is born) – Traditional Polish Advent Hymn