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It’s A Girlfriend Contest And That’s Dumb
“I’m so sorry about Angela.” Nancy said, offering Ian some gingerbread men. “I think she was just really nervous.”
“Seems like.” He took one and bit off a leg.
“I guess I’ll have to screen them a little better.”
“I don’t know, Nance. I think this might have been a bad idea.” He bit off the other leg.
“Yep.” Lynn said. “It was.”
“Let’s not be so hasty. I have other friends who aren’t as high strung.”
“No, Uncle Ian is right. It’s a bad idea. Having a girlfriend contest? That’s just dumb.”
“Lynn, it’s not a girlfriend contest. I just wanted Uncle Ian to be able to meet some of my friends.”
“And the winner gets Uncle Ian as a prize. It’s a girlfriend contest and that’s dumb.” Lynn stomped her foot.
“But how is he supposed to make a new friend if he doesn’t meet anybody? It’s not a contest, honey. We just want Uncle Ian to be able to meet people where it’s safe.”
“Safe?” Lynn laughed so hard her knees nearly buckled. “Is that what you call safe?”
“Kid has a point.” Ian bit into the gingerbread man’s body.
“Well, what would you suggest?”
Lynn held her hand out. “I suggest a cookie for me and Bradley.”
“Nice try, missy. You and Bradley can have a cookie after dinner. What about Uncle Ian’s problem?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“Well, there. If nobody has a better idea, I’ll keep having friends over until we find one who can be Uncle Ian’s friend, too. They won’t all be as nervous as Angela.”
“Chelsea said her Aunt Ivy wouldn’t throw up on anybody but she wants to be alone.”
“Well, if she changes her mind, I can add her to the list. Until then, I already have some other friends invited.”
“Don’t I have a say?” Ian asked as he bit an arm off of his cookie.
“Of course you do, Ian. It’s just that I already invited them. What’s the harm in meeting them?”
“No harm, I guess.” He thought a moment as he chewed his cookie. “I had a run in this morning.”
“What does that mean?”
“Ah, this crazy blonde was chasing me around the grocery store.” He looked at the remainder of his cookie before he popped it in his mouth.
“Chasing you?” Lynn gasped.
Ian nodded as he chewed.
“I guess she needs a boyfriend as bad as you need a girlfriend.” Lynn rolled her eyes.
“Worse, maybe.” Nancy said. “I guess you’d better watch out what you wish for. Now that you’re actually looking for someone, they’re coming out of the woodwork.”
Ian shrugged as he swallowed his cookie. “I guess so.”
There was a rattle at the door and Lynn raced out of the kitchen. “Daddy’s home!”
“It wasn’t the first time, either. The other day, I was at the Zavijava minding my own business. Suddenly, she and her sister are there judging me.”
“How do you know it was her sister?”
“She told me.”
“Wait a minute, you talked with her? What’s her name?”
“I don’t know. She’s crazy. All she seems to want to do is judge me without being invited. I mean, who goes around judging people without even knowing who they are?”
“Unfortunately, a lot of people do that.”
“Out loud? Directly to their faces? I’m sure plenty of people judge me, but none of them have bothered to tell me until her.”
“Gee, I’m sorry. That’s pretty weird.”
“I thought so. I practically ran out of the store.”
“Wow. Some people.”
Steve stopped in the doorway as he loosened his tie. “So, I hear Ian’s a chick magnet.”
“More like a trouble magnet.”
“Look what Aunt Ivy found for you, Chelsea.” Holly called up the stairs.
Chelsea came scampering down from her room. “Ooh! What is it?”
“Close your eyes and hold out your hands.” Ivy said.
Chelsea squeezed her eyes tight and hopped happily with her hands out expectantly.
Ivy placed the wrapped block of fruitcake in her little hands. “Open up.”
Chelsea opened her eyes. “Yay!” She launched herself at her aunt. “Thank you, Aunt Ivy.”
“That’s not all. Guess what’s for dessert?” She stood back and pointed at the large fruitcake on the counter.
“Ooh! Look at that! I never saw that kind before!”
“Well, you and Aunt Ivy can have it all to yourselves.”
“Mommy, why do you hate fruitcake?”
“I don’t hate it, exactly. I just like chocolate cake better.”
“Have you ever tried it?”
“Yes, Chelsea, I have.” Holly said sharply. “I just don’t like it. Okay?”
“Okay.” She clung to her aunt’s leg.
“Here, can you take this to your sister?” Ivy handed her the package of peppermint bark. “Maybe she’ll share.”
“I hope not. I don’t like this stuff.” Chelsea said as she headed for the stairs.
“Well, it’s okay for her not to like that stuff but it’s not okay for me not to like fruitcake?” Holly griped.
“She’s just a little kid, Holly.” Ivy hissed. “She thinks that if she likes something, everybody should like it. That’s just how little kids are.”
“Oh, so you’re a child psychology expert and a mind-reader today?”
“Wow, overreacting much?”
“Overreacting?” Holly’s face flushed with fury. “Do you know what you accused me of?”
“That was ugly. I was sorry I said it as soon as it came out.”
“Well, you should be. What’s the matter with you? Just because you’re lonely and miserable, there’s no need to take it out on me.”
“I’m not lonely or miserable. I like my life exactly as it is.”
“Is that right?”
“All except for the part where you’re jumping down my throat and trying to set me up with every guy at every place we stopped today. I don’t need that. I don’t want anyone, so stop pointing people out. I don’t care. Just stop it.” Ivy turned and bolted for the guest room.
She planted her back on the inside of the door and slid down until her forehead was on her knees. ‘This is the worst Christmas ever.’