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Oh, My Goodness. I Am Not A Banana!
12/30/2025
“I’m so mad I could spit.” Abby growled as they pulled into Matt’s driveway. “What was she thinking, inviting that woman?”
Harry dashed outside and opened the back door. “Matt said this thing takes two hands, so I’m on baby transport duty.”
“Thanks, Harry. Do they have it set up?”
“Isidore is working it out with the USO’s IT guy.” He released the fasteners holding the seat to the base. “Okay, buddy, let’s get you indoors.”
She sat there seething a moment longer before going inside.
Teddy was making the rounds with Matt’s family when she stepped in. Abby shook off her coat angrily and tossed it.
“Whoa! You couldn’t do that again if you tried.” Harry laughed at the sight of her coat landing perfectly on a branch of the coat tree. “Up high.” He lifted his hands for a double high-five.
She snarled as she pushed past. “Did I miss it?”
“No, we’re getting the connection set up. Are you alright?” Matt reached out for a hug. She dodged his extended arm and weaved between him and Jenny to retrieve Teddy.
“Easy now. He’s just little.” Jenny handed him over with a worried frown.
“Oh, really? He’s little? I hadn’t noticed.” She and Teddy plopped down on Gabe’s chair.
Jenny looked at Matt in confusion. He turned to Harry, who simply shrugged.
Sanctus bells jingled. “The channel is secure, and your colleagues stand ready for transmission.”
“Put them through, please.”
The TV switched from static to an enormous American flag framed with dazzling Christmas trees. Three Marines stood shoulder to shoulder in the middle of the scene.
“Merry Christmas, Matt, to you and your family.” Major Melrose smiled and waved. “My word, he is a mini-me, isn’t he? Hey, buddy! My name is Teddy too.”
Teddy kicked his legs excitedly as he drooled on his thumb.
“So, when’s the wedding?” Gunnery Sergeant Kohn smiled at the sight of the baby.
“We’re planning on the twenty-fourth, Gunny.”
Joe whistled. “You aren’t kidding, Matt. Congratulations, ma’am. Before he headed home, he was mostly convinced you were a hallucination. Now you’re going to be married?”
“Outstanding, Jozsa.” Gunny grinned. “When this young man sets his mind to something, it’s not a question of if. It’s getting done.”
“Yes, you should all be proud of Corporal Jozsa. He’s an exemplary Marine and a man of outstanding character. Without wanting to seem greedy about it, we’re really looking forward to him getting back.”
Abby hid behind Teddy’s back so they wouldn’t see the tears gathering.
“Now, don’t be shy, Mom. We wanted to get to know Matt’s missus on this call.” Joe grinned. “Are you keeping him in fighting trim?”
She sniffled and lifted Teddy up where Matt could reach him. “Sure thing, Joe. You can see him doing twenty pound curls.”
The Marines nodded appreciatively.
“Have you heard anything about when you’ll be back?” Gunny Kohn asked.
“Well, I won’t have the cast off until at least the seventeenth, and then there’s the wedding.”
“And where there’s a wedding, there’s got to be a honeymoon.” Joe grinned.
Abby shook her head, grabbed a handful of tissues and dashed away to the bathroom.
“Gee, I’m sorry, Matt. I didn’t mean to upset her.”
“Don’t sweat it, Joe. We’ve only got a month to put this together, so feelings are kind of…”
“Sure, Matt. That’s understandable.” The major said. “We just wanted to have a chance to say Merry Christmas and get a good look at that good-looking son of yours.”
“He’s a beaut, Corporal.” Gunny grinned and waved at Teddy.
“Yeah, same. Merry Christmas to all the Jozsas. Oh, speaking of which, is that Harry back there?”
“Yes, sir. Didn’t want to miss out on this.”
Joe chuckled. “You don’t have to call me sir. I work for a living.”
Gunnery Sergeant Kohn gave him a withering glare, and Major Melrose rolled his eyes. “What was it you wanted to say to Harry, Lance Corporal Scariano?”
“I don’t know if you found it or not, but I tucked a care package in Matt’s duffel before he flew away home. There should be enough to go around.”
“We’ll look for it after the call. Thanks, Joe.” Harry looked over at the bathroom door. “I’ll see if we can get Abby back before the call drops.”
“I don’t want to take up too much more of your time, Matt. Enjoy the home life a while and give that baby a hug from each of us.” The major said. “It’s really great to see you, busted wing and all.”
“Yes, sir. I’m looking forward to getting back to being able to use it again. One-handed push-ups were never my strong suit.”
“You weren’t especially good at the two-handed kind, either.” Gunny Kohn chuckled. “Give the missus our love and respect. We’ll talk soon.”
Major Melrose and Gunny Kohn waved goodbye, and Joe grabbed a chair. “I’ve got this thing booked for another five minutes, so I figure I’d do a lightning round with you.”
“It’s your dime, buddy. Fire away.” Matt took his seat with Teddy in the crook of his arm.
“Oh, very nice. You’ve got this Dad thing squared away.”
“Yeah, we have to form a committee to change diapers since I haven’t figured out how to do it one-handed.”
Joe cackled at that. “Diaper by committee. Roger that. Where’s that sister of yours? Judging by you and Harry there, she ought to be even better-looking than Sheila.”
“Now, Joe, I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than ogle my married sister.”
“Nope! It’s all good.” Bonnie got into view. “I’m accepting compliments from handsome Marines today, especially since you packed a Christmas present.”
“Hey, I hate to be a noodge, but the next group is lining up for this spot.” Sheila appeared over Joe’s shoulder. “Oh, my goodness! Look at that baby, Corporal Jozsa. Where did you get a baby already? He’s beautiful. He looks just like you. Doesn’t he?”
Joe grinned. “Exactly like his dear old dad.”
“I’m sorry to cut this short, but we’ve got to let the next group on. Merry Christmas! Love and kisses to your family and your baby, and I’ll save you some for when you get back.” She bit her lip and wagged her eyebrows suggestively before the video ended.
“Matthew.” Jenny said.
“Nothing ever happened. I tried to set her up with Joe. He’s a perfectly nice guy, but she’s hung up on me for some reason. I didn’t encourage it. Honestly.”
“Even I don’t believe that, and I’ve got baby-brain.” Bonnie shook her head as she waddled back to the couch.
“It’s true. She was trying really hard to get my attention, but somehow I knew something better was waiting.”
Abby picked Teddy up from Matt’s grasp. She yanked a blanket out from behind him and sat down next to Bonnie. She draped the blanket over her shoulder and tucked Teddy in for a feeding.
The room went dead quiet. All they could hear was Abby sobbing.
“Oh, hey. I wasn’t sure if you’d be back for dinner, but I made enough for both of us.”
She handed Teddy to him so she could unzip her coat. The look on her face told him she wasn’t interested in talking. She flung the coat toward the corner of the room where the coat tree was. It caught on a branch and hung there.
“Whoa! You couldn’t do that again if you tried.” Gary grinned, but it faded. “What’s the matter?”
“Everything.” She plopped down in her chair by the table.
“Want some stew so we can talk it over?”
She wept bitterly. “I don’t want stew, Dad. I want stuff to be normal. Why is everything so stupid?”
“It’s the kind with the biscuits on top.”
“Yeah, I want stew. Of course, I want stew, but everything is still stupid.” She flopped down onto her crossed arms and cried.
Teddy looked at Gary and then down at his mom. He joined in on the crying.
“Oh, boy. I’m going to need a mop.” He slid Teddy down into his highchair and kissed his head. “There, there. Mommy’s just tired. Everything is going to be alright.”
“No, it’s not.” She moaned.
He stood there studying them, scratching his chin. “First the stew. Then we’ll figure out something for Teddy.”
She reached out to hold Teddy’s hand and wiped her eyes. “There’s a jar of pureed squash we opened earlier.”
“Gourmet vegetables. That ought to cheer him right up.” He grabbed a bowl and a spoon, ladled some stew for Abby and searched the fridge. “Bingo. Here’s the squash and here’s some applesauce for after.”
She looked at the bowl of stew and sobbed while Teddy continued sympathy-crying.
“So, what did I miss?” Gary unscrewed the jar of squash and took a sniff. It didn’t strike him as something that would get Teddy to stop crying.
“We were working on wedding plans yesterday, and I was helping Jenny make the meatloaf.” She sniffled.
Gary got her a box of tissues. “That sounds good.”
“Well, it was until she showed up.” Abby blew her nose at the same moment a strong wind shook the windows. “How did she even know where Matt lives?”
“Who’s that, hon?” He took a soft-coated spoon and dabbed squash on Teddy’s tray.
“Pam!” She stabbed a biscuit with her spoon.
“My Pam?” He made the soft spoon with the squash fly like an airplane to Teddy’s mouth, but the hangar stayed stubbornly shut.
Abby stabbed the biscuit into small chunks and swirled them around in the gravy. “No, Dad, it was Pam, the two-headed princess of Mars. Who do you think? Of course, it was your Pam. What does that even mean? How did you get a Pam all of a sudden?”
“We can talk about that, but what do you mean she came to dinner?”
“She just loves meatloaf, Dad. Did she have meatloaf at H&H?”
“No, we had Hunter’s Stew.”
“We? Did you share? Were you eating out of the same trough?”
“Wow, slow down. No, we just talked.”
“Is that right? Because Matt said he only ever talked to Sheila.”
“Whoa, now who’s Sheila? This is the first I’m hearing about a Sheila.” Gary drew squash on Teddy’s lips like balm, figuring he’d lick it off and start eating.
“Oh, my God, Dad. You had to see her. I saw her, and I don’t believe it.” She stabbed her stew a few more times. “She’s…”
“Apparently, it doesn’t matter because he loves you and Teddy.”
“He only loves me because of Teddy. He’s going to go back to Africa, and she’s going to be there wearing him down.”
“I doubt that’s true.”
“She’s got those big eyes and those big eyelashes and her shirt barely fits over those big…” She pushed the stew away and collapsed into her crossed arms again.
“Alright, get it out of your system.”
Abby shuddered as she sobbed.
“It’s going to be alright.” He rubbed her back.
Teddy wrestled the soft spoon like he’d caught a rattlesnake. Gary reached over and dipped it into the jar. Teddy wrested control of the spoon from him with an angry glance. He jammed the spoonful of squash goop into his mouth spitefully.
“Okay, I know. You’re angry, too.” Gary shook his head. “We’ve got quite a mess here, buddy. How are we going to help Mommy feel better?”
“You can’t.” She whimpered.
“Did Pam say something to upset you?”
Abby shook her head without lifting it.
“Why did Jenny invite her, of all people?”
“Because she’s nice, and she’s even better at spreadsheets than Jenny is. They were up late getting it all done.”
“All done? They planned a whole wedding in one day?”
“Just the basics. Jenny still has to call everybody.”
“Really? Isn’t it your wedding, too? You can go over tomorrow and help her call people. Don’t you think?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I’m mad at all of them.”
“Even Bonnie?”
“No, she’s okay.”
“How about Matt’s friends in Africa?”
“They were nice. They wanted to gush over Teddy.”
“That’s fair. He’s really cute.”
“And they said they wanted him back.”
“Because he works hard, and he’s a good guy.”
“How’s he supposed to be good with Sheila lurking around? She said she was saving up kisses for him.”
“She meant Teddy, right?”
“No, for Matt. She said so.”
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about. He was dreaming about you before he even met you.”
Abby’s groaning inspired an exhausted whimper from Teddy.
“I’ll have a talk with him. Okay?”
“Dad, I’m not hungry.” She sniffled. “I’m going to take Teddy and go to bed.”
“Sure, hon. It’s been a hard couple of days for you. Go get some rest.” He wiped Teddy clean with a wet wipe so she could take him without a fuss. He watched her carry her tired baby out of the kitchen before switching to clean-up duty. His pocket buzzed.
Unknown Number
Hi, it’s Pam
Got your number from Jenny
Hope that’s okay
Thank goodness
Somebody was thinking
You’re not mad?
Only at myself
For being a dope
I don’t think you’re a dope
I didn’t think to ask you either
Well, since Jenny
saved us from our
mutual oversight
?
Was wondering if I
could show you another
Pine Hollow Special?
How lucky can one girl get?
New Year’s Eve at the
Polish Ladder Company?
lol, sounds like the
opening line
to a mean joke
No, it’s the volunteer fire
company in town here
That sounds like fun
Do you have an address and time?
Naturally
“Naturally, he says.” She plopped back onto her beanbag cushion and took the last handful of popcorn. She paused her Christmas movie and headed out to the kitchen to nuke another bag. Stress-eating was the order of the day.
She had such a wonderful time at Jenny’s planning the wedding. Even though Abby had been seething the whole time, Jenny, Bonnie and Zelda were so much fun to be with.
But Abby was the one who mattered most. If she vetoed it, would Gary go against the bride’s wishes? That question alone had led her to chow down on the massive slab of meatloaf Jenny had sent home with her.
The question of if she dared reach out to Gary had cost her five bags of popcorn and a whole stack of caramel rice cakes. She was glad she had.
The Polish Ladder Company really did sound like the opening line to a mean Polish joke, but she was curious about this New Year’s Eve party. How should she dress? Is it formal? Can a fire hall be formal? Is it silly-formal? Is it casual? She didn’t want to be the only one there with a flannel shirt and jeans, but she didn’t want to be the only one there with a sequin dress that Gary would want to peel off of her.
‘Whoa!’ She pulled the popcorn from the microwave and let it sit while she poured herself more ginger ale. ‘There will be no peeling. You will not tempt him to do any peeling. It is way, way too early to even think about peeling anything.’
She shook the bag and pulled the corners to tear it open. She shook it into the bowl, being careful not to let any unpopped kernels roll in. Her mind wandered to the very sequin dress she aspired to be peeled out of.
‘Oh, my goodness. I am not a banana! I do not aspire to be peeled out of anything. I’ll have to ask Melanie what the dress code for this thing is.’