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Wedding Crashers

“What did she say?” Pastor Greg asked.

“Who knows? They’re nuts, the pair of them.” Aundrea said as she looked her bouquet.

“Who Brendan and Trilby?” Jeb asked.

“No, Trilby and Marta. They’re weird and weirder.”

“I don’t understand why you dislike them so much, Aundrea. What have they ever done to you?”

“I don’t know. I just can’t understand how they can act like a couple of spazzy little teenagers at their age.”

“Everybody has their own way of coping with the stresses of life. I carve things. You bake and manage your business. They just cut loose and have fun. I think it’s nice that they can just be who they are without getting hung up on what people think of them. It would be nice if more people could be like that. The world could use a lot more happiness and honesty.”

“Jeb, I am so impressed.” Pastor Greg said. “I think you just gave me the topic of my sermon this coming Sunday.”

“No charge, Pastor.” Jeb said with an embarrassed grin right before Aundrea grabbed him and planted a huge kiss on him.

“Looks like your fiancée approves.”

“Fiancée.” She whispered as she wrapped herself around his arm.

“For another hour or so.” Jeb rested his cheek on her head. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, why?”

“I thought I felt you shiver.”

“It’s a good thing, Jeb. I was thinking about what happens in an hour or so.”

“Oh? What happens then?” A deep, menacing voice said from behind them.

Aundrea clutched Jeb’s arm tighter.

He turned to see who the voice belonged to. “Then we’ll be married.”

“How delightful.” The man said without any apparent delight in his expression. “Isn’t that delightful, Claudia?”

“She could do worse, I suppose.”

“Agreed, my love. He seems a strapping fellow.”

“Are you friends of Aundrea’s?”

“I’d like to think so. Business partners at the very least. My name is David Harz.”

“Jeb Powell. And this is Mrs. Harz?”

“Not exactly.” Claudia said with a clenched jaw.

“Ah, sorry. Nice to meet you, though.”

“No, it’s not.” Aundrea whispered.

“Sorry? I didn’t catch that.” David said.

“She didn’t throw it. Is there something I’m missing?”

“You’re a very droll fellow, Jeb. Droll and very direct. I like that. So many people waste time on social niceties. I can see you’re not that kind of man.”

“Yes, Mr. Harz. I’m very direct. I get the impression that your relationship with my fiancée is not one that makes Aundrea particularly happy. Could you do us all a favor and cut to the chase? We’re getting married at midnight and I’d prefer to leave any unpleasantness in the old year and start off fresh.”

“I respect the direct approach, Jeb. To make matters simple, I’ll be direct as well. Aundrea and I have a contractual agreement.”

“Meaning?”

“She didn’t tell you?”

“Apparently, it didn’t come up. How about we step outside for a moment and you can explain it to me?”

“Jeb, do you think that’s wise?” Pastor Greg said with a concerned frown. “Perhaps Mr. Harz and I should go outside and talk it over.”

“No, Pastor. You’re needed here. I get the impression that Mr. Harz has something important that he has to tell me.”

“Most assuredly. It would be best if you heard it before the wedding.”

Claudia reached into her black silk clutch and pulled out an earpiece. “I’m going to keep your fiancée company while you two have a little talk.” She slipped the earpiece onto Aundrea’s ear.

“What’s happening here?” Pastor Greg demanded.

“Old business, whoever you are.” Claudia said as she dragged Aundrea to a booth.

“What’s she doing with Aundrea?” Jeb asked placidly.

“She’s going to keep her company while we have our chat. Whatever goes between us, Jeb, she’ll hear every word.”

“I have no secrets from her.” He followed David to the door.

“Would that the reverse was true.”

“I’ve always felt that women should maintain a certain mystery, Mr. Harz.”

“I imagine you’ll feel even more strongly about that after our discussion.”

“Mr. Harz, you may wonder why I wished to take this outside.”

“I assumed it was so you could make a quick getaway after I break the dreadful news to you.”

“You know what happens when you assume.”

“Droll to the last, Jeb. Well parried.” David looked out over the parking lot. “As requested, I shall cut to the chase.”

“Before you get started, Mr. Harz-”

“Oh, please call me David. Mr. Harz seems so formal, given the circumstances.”

“Mr. Harz. I’m actually not interested in what you have to say. I’ve led you outside so that you can leave quietly.”

“If only it were that simple, Jeb. You need to hear me out.”

“Pretty sure I don’t. If Aundrea has something she needs to tell me, she can tell me.”

“And yet she hasn’t, Jeb. You’re slightly over an hour from marrying a woman with a secret that could cause you to wish you’d never met her.”

“Mr. Harz, I’m not interested in anything you have to say. If you’d like to stay and wish us well, come back in. If not, I’d like to invite you to collect your frightening girlfriend and find another party.”

“It saddens me to hear you take this position.”

“I’m sure it does, Mr. Harz. The thing is, I have heard of you. The fact of the matter is that whatever contract you believe that you hold over Aundrea becomes null and void at midnight. She is under my protection. It is past time for you to move on and bother someone else.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to-”

“Yes, Mr. Harz. I am sure that there is nothing that you have to say that I need to hear. You see, I remember you.”

“You remember me?”

“Yes, you stopped in at the bakery a few weeks ago. She didn’t seem to appreciate your visit, so I looked into who you might be. Matt told me all about you, Mr. Harz.”

“Matt? Matt who?”

“Matt Freeman, Mr. Harz. Most people call him Captain Freedom.”

“And you have a direct line to Captain Freedom? Some yokel from nowhere?”

“Mr. Harz, you’re a despicable cad. You drew me out here to tell me some disgraceful thing about my fiancée so that she could hear me burst into tears and reject her or whatever it was you had in mind. In fact, you’re forcing my hand. You’ve obliged me to disclose a secret that I’m afraid she might not receive favorably. The fact remains, Mr. Harz, that she is under my protection whether she rejects me or still agrees to marry me.”

“You seem very certain of your position, Jeb.”

“It’s Mr. Powell to you, Hellion. Would you like to know my secret? Would you like to know why I have a direct line to Captain Freedom? Doesn’t your supergenius intellect allow you to make such simple deductions? Would you care to say it for me?”

“I understand your position, Mr. Powell. I hope you’ll understand it’s not personal when I…” The man’s tuxedo began spreading across his body and up over his face.

Jeb smiled. “Matt said you’d probably do this.”

“It’s merely a precaution, Mr. Powell.”

“Last warning, Mr. Harz. You and your friend can find another party or I can give you the attitude adjustment of the century. Your choice.”

“Oh, please, Jeb. I’ve fought the Sentinels to a standstill by myself. I don’t know what you-” The Hellion said before Jeb delivered a blow to his midsection. He took a look at the path the armored supervillain had taken and stepped back into The Marbury Inn.

“Jeb?”

“Miss, your friend is going to need a ride somewhere. Do you have the car keys or does he?”

She looked at Aundrea and then back at Jeb. “Where is he?”

“Not sure. I was never good at geometry but I’m guessing he crossed the county line before he landed.”

“What?”

“He means you should go find David before he does the same thing to you.” Aundrea took off the earpiece and handed it back to Claudia. “You should actually go now. You’re not invited to my wedding.”

“You heard the lady, Claw. Time to go.”

Claudia looked up at him with alarm.

“Captain Freedom told me about you, too. Best if you go now.”

“What if I gut her for you before I go?”

“I just punched your guy into another township. The guy who personally fought the Sentinels to a standstill just got sucker-punched by a hayseed from Nowheresville. Do you actually think you can hurt her before I get my hands on you?”

“You wouldn’t hit a lady.”

“You don’t qualify. Go find your friend. I have a wedding to attend. The young lady sitting beside you is under my protection. You and the Hellion will never set foot in this community again or there will be a problem. This is your last chance to leave here willingly. Go now. We have a wedding to get on with.”

“Five, four, three, two, one! You may now kiss the bride!” Pastor Greg said with a huge smile.

Jeb pulled Aundrea close and they kissed for the first time as man and wife. Trilby clamped her hands around Brendan’s head and practically jumped on him. People throughout The Marbury Inn drank champagne and kissed under the falling confetti and balloons.

“Jeb, you were wonderful. How did you do that?”

“Aundrea, I was afraid to tell you.”

“That you’re a superhero? Why wouldn’t you want to tell me something like that?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure how you’d take it. I didn’t want you to think I was a freak.”

“Jeb, I would never think you were a freak. You’ll always be my hero.”

Trilby turned to Brendan and kissed him on the cheek. “I don’t suppose you have superpowers.”

“I’m saving them for the honeymoon.”